Day 19

Saturday

Today was not an easy day to feel thankful. It felt somewhat forced at first. I hate admitting that because I know I have so much to be thankful for. My day just did not go as I hoped it would. I am disappointed in myself for not getting things done. My to-do list seems very overwhelming right now. It's almost causing a bit of a panic attack when I think about all the things I need to get done and try to figure out when it will happen.

In the midst of this day that caused me to feel not-so-great, we had our family pictures taken by a friend from church, Wendi, who is part of Ordinary Miracles Photography. I saw some of the photos tonight and love them. I really looked at my kids and saw them for who they are. I like who they are. They are not perfect, I know that very well, and I love them in spite of their imperfections but I also like them. I am thankful for these photos, these captured moments. I will remember, when I look at Brendan's picture, how I thought it almost looked like a senior picture and how that feels too close for comfort some days. Tori's picture will remind me of how comfortable she is in her own skin - and I hope that lasts, although I fear the days of self-criticism will be here before too long. I will remember, when I see Rachel's shy smile, that this was the age when she was very attached to me and would run to give me a hug after each shot. (Is it okay that I hope she outgrows this? It'd be kind of awkward if she didn't.) And Owen's impish smile will remind me that this was the night we saw his model potential. He was so funny -he'd be running all over or climbing up stairs and as soon as he saw the camera on him, he'd stop and position his body just so and smile.

Sometimes the thankfulness might not come naturally and it might feel forced but I think it's okay to force it. I think that forcing it once in awhile will eventually create a habit of thankfulness. That is my hope anyways.

So much to be thankful for. (And I'll post those pics as soon as I get the cd.)