Learning

I wish learning wasn't such a process. A slow, tedious process. I wish it came easier. I wish I didn't fight it as much.

I have this tendency to immediately assume the worst when there is a change in plans. I begin to list off all the reasons why I am justified in feeling upset with the change in plans and how it's not in my best interests. It's really all about me, isn't it?

Lately, I have been trying hard to change this attitude. To flex more, go with the flow, not be so insistent on doing everything my way. Have you ever tried to push a parked car? It feels a bit like that. I never really thought of myself as a stubborn person but it is a deeper problem than I realized. My mom probably laughed out loud just now.

The good news is that I am starting to recognize this more easily now. The bad news is that I still react the same way. So now, I am upset when things don't go my way and I am upset with myself for being upset. I know I will regret it later and yet, I still lick the wound and let myself feel the hurt or anger.

I think I am beginning to see glimmers of hope. Twice in the last week, I have recognized my incorrect attitude and apologized and realized what it cost me or almost cost me. I have admitted my self-centeredness and tried to see it from the other's point of view. I am really hoping that this becomes easier with time. Fighting with myself gets exhausting.